Why saying “You’re beautiful.” is NOT a compliment

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When I was younger and a family friend would reach down, grab my face and exclaim to my mother, “She’s beautiful!”, I was told to reply with a “Thank you.” Many girls strive for the label and others feel jealousy towards those given this title. As a result, a girl puts her self worth in the hands of someone else. 

I’m not addressing this as a pessimist or trying to prove that inner beauty is more important than physical beauty. In reality, they both have their benefits. But really think about what someone is saying when they tell you, “You are beautiful.” I’m not convinced that it’s truly a compliment.

1. Beauty is not something that a person can own. I own my body, yes, but not the beauty. Why? Because I can’t control it. One day, I will look different, and the compliments from random strangers in bars will stop. Let’s hope this is mainly because I will spend less time in bars, but one never knows. Also, I did not create the beauty. I can put on makeup or get surgery to enhance my look, but I did not choose the color of my eyes or the size of my nose. That is all thanks to genetics and luck.                                   
2. Beauty is one dimensional. Being funny or smart has a way of increasing a person’s attractiveness, however, I’ve never heard of a person’s beauty contributing to one’s ability. For example, many men find actresses or singers more attractive than some models. This may be personal preference, but I think talent has increased their appeal. On the other hand, being beautiful does not make a person a better singer. It may help them sell more CDs but that is due to the fact that physical attractiveness has a way of excusing poor behavior and discouraging actual talent. 
3. The phrase “You are beautiful” has lost its significance. Although it is never a negative thing to hear, being told that you are beautiful has become a common pickup phrase. When it is used this way, I feel like a conquest. Someone has declared me beautiful and only after that do they want my attention. It’s as if you aren’t worth talking to unless you are beautiful. This also goes along with the idea that beautiful people are treated differently. Although it may be nice to get special attention, it’s conditional and demoralizing. Shouldn’t everyone be treated with the same amount of kindness?
4. Beauty is subjective. Therefore, what you say can’t be proven. It also makes the complimenter the judge, and the receiver at someone else’s disposal. A girl may be smart, funny, and kind, but she does not feel complete until she is considered attractive. And even worse, a girl can feel attractive and be told she is beautiful, but have it undermined by one outside source telling her otherwise. Have you ever noticed how most female models do not strive to be anything else? Like an actress or business woman, but tons of actors started out as male models? It’s as if, being beautiful is a woman's ultimate goal. 
5. Beauty is fleeting. If being beautiful in a physically attractive way is the best compliment (and I’ve thought it was in the past), then my happiness is limited. Girls, you are limiting yourselves by putting so much emphasis on physical qualities. For most, physical attractiveness decreases as time progresses so if you invest your happiness in your beauty, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment.

Now, I’m not saying I would be offended by being called beautiful. It is a very nice thing to hear, but it should not be the goal or determine how I feel about myself. Changing the syntax would help. And on those instances that I’m told that I am beautiful as a person, that I have a beautiful heart or smile, I do not feel like I have to hold onto some fading moment. Don’t you think it is better to be complimented on your ability rather than your physicality? If a man loves a woman because she is beautiful then what will happen when the beauty, that is out of your control, fades or he decides someone else is more beautiful? As girls, you have to develop qualities that you can control and decide that those are traits you want to be seen for instead of encouraging others to call you beautiful. 

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I understand that physical features are what attract a mate and that we instinctively choose people that would produce healthy and attractive offspring, but humans hold women to ridiculous, unattainable standards that perpetuate self loathing and outside validation. And none of this is in the interest of producing healthy, attractive offspring. It is all in vain.

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I'll take the compliment, but I'm also taking a stand. The truly beautiful thing is that I am in control of my own self worth and can make my own standards.